An Alice Without a Wonderland
by munchymart
Summary: A college student who's never seen The Vampire Diaries before is kidnapped by a teenage goddess in order to take a starring role in said goddess's self-indulgent SI-OC fanfic. Said college student quickly becomes determined to ruin the story in any, and every, way possible.
1. An Intruder

**A/N: I** _ **should**_ **be taking my other story out of hiatus, but why would I do that when I could ruthlessly make fun of myself and the old stereotypes we all know and love. That being said, although this story is meant to poke fun at tropes commonly found in this particular genre of fanfiction, this story is more so meant to make fun of myself than any other author on this site. Also, it's rated T right now because of language, but if I feel like it, the rating might boost up to M.**

Abagail Dennis woke up in the middle of the night to a bang, followed by coughing and the smell of smoke. So, Abagail, like any sane college student, snatched her cell phone off of the nightstand adjacent to her bed and promptly called the police before going to investigate. She held the phone snug against her ear with her shoulder, snatched the metal bat (with may or may not have been a fluorescent pink with _Hello Kitty's_ face on it, but she preferred to overlook that small detail) she had bought for her own protection and ventured out into the living room.

Abagail expected a lot of things to greet her upon entering that room. She imagined burly men working together to strip her living room bare, or an arsonist with a penchant for breaking and entering who decided her cheap apartment was worth a Bic lighter and some gasoline. She half expected to find one of the local homeless men had gone in through the fire escape, only to enter one of the few suites that someone actually lived in full time (it had happened twice before, and in both cases, she heated up some leftovers and sent them on their way). What she did not expect, however, was a teenage girl sitting on her couch, flipping through her Netflix account with a determined look on her face. Abagail promptly hung up on the police, figuring the girl was just a runaway with an attitude problem who, by the looks of things, hadn't had a meal (or watched any television) in quite a while. The older woman idly stood there, baseball bat in hand as she remembered her own adolescence, which primarily consisted of going to public school and living out of a van. She could feel her face scrunch up in sympathy, and she was quick to lean the bat against the wall and approach the girl.

Before Abagail could open her mouth to offer the girl a late dinner, a shower, and her couch for a night, the girl giggled. Abagail stood in shock, surprised to find that the girl was _laughing_ _at her_. It took the girl a second to calm herself before speaking, "I'm sorry, it's just that. You're just so perfect I couldn't help myself."

The girl paused for a second before continuing, "So, what's a better name?" She lifted herself off of the couch, idly making her way towards Abagail. "Cassia? Liviana? No, I've got it! Aelia! Aelia Sorrio! _It's perfect!_ "

At this point, Abagail was not only thoroughly confused but soon found that no matter how hard she tried, _she couldn't move._ The girl's smile widened until it seemed more like she was baring her teeth and less like she was some schizophrenic homeless teenager who managed to break into her apartment, and more like a dangerous sociopath who needed to secure a place on every government watch list imaginable. Abagail tried to scream, only to find that her lips were firmly sealed shut by the aforementioned teenager.

"So, are you familiar with the idea of a harem, Ms. Dennis?"

Abagail nearly fainted at the proposition of being kidnapped by a teenager to be sold to the highest bidder, only to be shipped off to a foreign country and given such a ridiculous name. Abagail watched as the girl firmly shook her head, once again laughing at her.

"Oh, no silly! You're not going to be _part_ of a harem. You're going to be my new self-insert who gets a yandere vampire harem of her very own!"

If Abagail was capable of moving her body, and not trapped by what she now realized was a thick smoke radiating off of the girl in waves, she would've gladly grabbed her discarded bat, and knock the girl in the head until she was surely unconscious. None the less, the girl continued with her speech.

"You see, I've come to realize that _The Vampire Diaries_ lacks a lot of the fanfic that I personally _adore_. Particularly where the entire cast of men, who I'll mention are absolute hotties _. You're welcome._ Obsessively fall in love with the same character, who is, of course, you!"

Abagail watched as the smoke continued to roll up her body in waves, once again she heavily considered yelling at the girl as she bashed her brains in with her _Hello Kitty_ themed "stick of doom", only to idly - that was a lie she told herself, in reality, she was anything but calm, the observation was more frantic in nature if anything – notice that the smoke's grasp grew increasingly tighter around her body.

"Okay, you probably want some context so here you go! You, Aelia Sorrio, are an immortal from the time of the Romans. What you are _exactly_ is pretty ambiguous, but you can control plants and essentially, you're an overpowered hippie with a British accent. Since you're like, really old, you can speak a shit ton of languages, but you prefer Latin and English because," she paused "why not? Anyways, you've come to Mystic Falls to be the English teacher at the local high school where all the protagonists study, hot vampire boy included, and that's about it"

The girl laughed once again and shrugged "Anyways, that's all you _really_ need to know, if anything else comes up that's important, I'll send you the info via a handy-dandy flashback"

The smoke was growing thicker around Abagail's body by the second and was quick to cover her eyes entering through her nose and mouth until _she couldn't breathe._ Abagail looked up in her haze, he consciousness fading fast as she heard the girl speak one last time.

"Oh, and I'll help you out whenever the plot needs pushing or you're lost or something, so don't worry your pretty little head about it"

And with that, everything went black, as Abagail Dennis went to sleep for the last time, only to wake up as one Aelia Sorrio.

" _Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."- Laurence J. Peter_ _  
_

* * *

Aba- _Aelia_ woke up in the passenger's seat of a U-Haul truck with a pounding headache and a sense of dread in her stomach. For one, she realized very quickly that the teenage girl (Magician? Goddess?) in her apartment wasn't some sort of perverse dream, but was instead, a very powerful, nigh-omnipotent little piece of shit. One that was determined to make her life a living hell with a harem of overly-romanticized psychopathic stalkers. Abag- **_Aelia_ **glared out the window at the house the U-Haul had just been parked in front of, as men who looked to be in some sort of hypnotic state unloaded and unpacked all of her belongings. Abaga- **_Aelia_ **grit her teeth as she stared into the glassed-over eyes of one of the men unpacking, realizing exactly what sort of power that teenager had. _**Abagail** _shook her head and felt a smirk spread across her face as she realized something. _Abagail_ _Dennis_ would never bow to the whims of a teenager. She watched as the men left her new home in imaculate condition, everything was unpacked already and put into its respective place. Abagail idly slid her hand along the surface of a half ripe apple she found left in a bowl of fruit in the middle of her new home's kitchen and watched in satisfaction as the apple grew slightly and took on a brighter hue of red. _Hit me with your best shot kid_. She took a bite, wondering what exactly this new world had in store for her. _I'll get home, even if I have to burn this entire world to ashes to get there._


	2. Preparation

**A/N: I have free time until the fall semester starts in a week, which means that until August 20** **th** **, you can expect random updates whenever I feel particularly inspired. After that point, I update every Saturday. Also, the idea for the boxes I mention later on comes from my gram, who keeps every letter she's ever received in shoeboxes marked with the name of the person who sent them.**

Abagail found herself to be surprisingly calm. Sure, she was in a whole new city, in a whole new country, and in _a whole new world_ if you will (at that, Abagail mentally chuckled) but she was used to being thrown into new situations and was absolutely notorious for getting herself out of them. So, the first thing she did was write down all she knew about The Vampire Diaries, which wasn't much. She knew there were vampires, that the main protagonist was a human girl with a magic face -who she silently swore to protect from the supernatural shit show she was sure was heading for them-, and that literally everybody keeps some sort of diary. That led her straight towards her two primary objectives for the rest of the day.

1) Google vampires to a) find all possible weaknesses and b) deter any and all future vampire stalkers from getting anywhere near her and

2) Find Aelia _Whatever's_ diary and gather as much information as humanly possible

Hours later, Abagail found that, while she had a perfect idea for objective number 1, that she happened to be playing the only character without a damn diary in this entire series. Which meant she needed to completely scrap objective number 2 because, for all the sociopaths that little asshole wanted to stick on her, she hadn't bothered to do any _proper_ world building for this character except for giving her a cool superpower. Which brought on objective number 3.

3) Figure out the extent of the superpowers she's been given and abuse the living daylights out of said power

Abagail was very excited for objective number 3, to say the least. Which was, in her book, absolutely perfect, because the only thing off of the internet that she could find about deterring vampires was a plant, called Vervain, that apparently acted like some sort of poison to vampires. She quickly found a couple of vendors online and ordered both the dried version of the plant as well as some seeds from a witch's shop based out of New Orleans. Just to be safe, she placed the same order on another site marketed towards vampire hunters, which claimed to be supported by something she could only assume to be the Brotherhood of the Traveling Stake. With her orders estimated to arrive in 3-5 business days, she knew that she would have to come up with a safeguard until she could grow enough Vervain to cover every cubic centimeter of her new home. Judging from how quickly she was able to ripen that apple, she knew it wouldn't take that long and hoped she would be rewarded for her patience with a vampire proof place of residence.

Until then, however, she focused on keeping as much wood on hand as possible. Her new house was already made of wood, which meant for a solid start in her vampire defense plans because she found out within minutes that she could move and reshape that wood in any way she wanted. The next thing she did was simple, she went back online, this time to Amazon and not some shady "hunter-witch-who cares because everyone hates vampires" website, and ordered a wooden baseball bat, everything necessary to put up a nice, _wooden_ picket fence, and some of those window covers she'd seen in American films because she refused to let some vampire Twilight his way into her room in the middle of the night.

Then, it was simply a matter of waiting. She went ahead and checked her calendar, only to find that considering the fact that the next day was marked "The First Day of Work", and the day after that was simply marked by hearts penned in red ink, Abagail figured that she'd be walking face first into Vampire-Landia any day now. Before she went to sleep, she sorted through her new clothes, happy to see that psychopath magic girl had given her some modest clothing (although there was no way in Hell, Heaven or on Earth that Abagail would stand for any sort of nonsense about clothing justifying the actions of actual criminals).

She also found several boxes of letters marked by various names, and mentally noted that these were probably part of her future harem, she thusly mentally pledged to stay away from any man who goes by Klaus, Elijah or Kol. She further came across a box marked "Katherine and Her Lovers", and resolved herself to read through and investigate those letters along with the contents of the other three boxes, certain that these "Lovers" could be anything but good news on the vampire stalker front.

The boxes weren't exactly as useful as she had hoped they would be, they each contained various letters, photographs, and drawings but, primarily because Abagail had no idea who any of these people were, to say she was terrified was a severe understatement. The first three boxes held hundreds of years of letters written on an "off again on again" basis, and the premise was basically the same. All three brothers were stalking her, she'd been kidnapped several times throughout the centuries and had somehow managed to escape the most dangerous people she could even imagine.

Oh, and over course, that they would (individually) be back to take "what was theirs". _Joy._ She took out a photograph of each man from their respective box in order to memorize each face, before closing each and stacking them neatly in front of her.

Katherine's box was worse. Much worse.

Although the brothers were, from her understanding, much more dangerous than anything Katherine could do. Katherine had one thing going for her that the others didn't – a sense of teamwork. Katherine in her letters spoke at length about how she would gladly share Aelia – Abagail shuddered at the mention of her new name – with whoever she could manipulate and string along to help capture her. Then there were Katherine's "Lovers", who considered Aelia and Katherine to be part of a package deal, and that they were as dedicated to her as they were Katherine.

Abagail wanted to vomit. She practically tore the photographs of all three people involved with what she could only assume was some sort of emotionally abusive _ménage trois_ and practically slammed the lid back down.

Abagail then lifted a plank of wood out of the floor (not that anything was loose in the house, but even she'd admit that her little superpower was coming in handy), shoved the boxes underneath the floor, created a distinct groove in the plank she had moved and finally, fused every plank of wood together within the room. With that, she allowed herself to fall face first into her plush bed and, knowing there was nothing else she could do at the moment, awaited the beginning of the supernatural bullshit that would become her life.


	3. Salvatore One and Salvatore Two

**A/N: I originally wasn't going to reveal too much about Abagail's actual background, due to the fact that it's kind of depressing. Also, Abagail is probably the most self-conscious character I've ever written, and it shows, often. But I've decided that although this is a comedy, I couldn't bring myself to write this without giving her proper motive. That being said, we've hit the first episode of the first season, which means one thing and one thing only,** ** _longer chapters_** **. And, fun fact, Stefan and Elena canonically have English together.**

 **(Friendly reminder that Aelia Sorrio is the OC that Abagail was sent to this world to play. When I refer to her as Aelia, it means that the Goddess has taken complete control of her body, not that there's another person in there.)**

Abagail dreamt for the first time in years that night. If you asked her, she'd shrug and say that she doesn't dream, and probably never will again. But underneath the surface, if you peeled back the layers that composed the Abagail of today, she'd tell you of a teenage girl – too thin for her age with a too kind heart and a too clever mind living out of a van parked outside of a Tesco. She'd tell you of her too dark tan skin and her too ugly port-wine stain that stretched across one side of her face and down her neck as if she herself were just a stain. Some sticky stuff stuck to the floor that you cover up with an ugly carpet.

Abagail woke up with a start and practically raced for a mirror because she had to see _something_. She almost knocked the bathroom door straight off its hinges with her new power and left it a warped mess as she yanked the towel she had haphazardly thrown over it the night before and almost cried in relief. She traced her birthmark, cool fingers traced over the red splotch as she stared at herself. Goddess be damned, a small part of her was happy that although the girl had changed her life, given her powers and usurped her from her home that she had deemed her stained face worthy of _something_. What that was exactly, Abagail couldn't tell you no matter how many layers you resolved to peel back.

Then, she felt the smoke. Crawling behind her skin and she started to move. She abandoned the her staring back at her in the mirror and moved through her morning routine with a practiced ease the Abagail knew she didn't possess.

Aelia had practiced this routine a thousand times before, she was dressed in minutes and left her house with what could only be described as military precision. She left the house, bag in hand and a knowing grin on her face. She felt the sun on her face and her smile grew wider, resolved to investigate a rumor concerning one Katherine Pierce and leave immediately after the fact. She remembered the woman, someone so dangerous had fallen for an immortal as kind as h-

Abagail pushed herself to the surface, breaths heavy and labored for someone who had only walked a short distance and Abagail bit her lip.

That would be a problem.

If Aelia kept rising up at random times to make her some sort of puppet for the goddess, she knew that would be more than just a simple inconvenience if it continued. Abagail kept walking, afraid of what would happen if she disappeared like that behind the driver's seat of a car, happy that she had decided to leave early in order to temporarily "vampire proof" her classroom.

Her goal was simple, make sure she had some form of wood near her at all times as well as attached to every desk for her own convenience. She didn't know much about the vampires of this new world, but she knew for a _fact_ that she couldn't physically outclass a vampire.

Which meant that she'd need to play dirty. _Good._

When she got her hands on some Vervain she planned to lace every surface she'd be in regular contact with, but until then she'd have to be half-assed in her attempts to surprise her future vampire stalker with a face full of murder.

The walk to school was relatively painless, and she'd managed to arrive an entire half-hour before the students were meant to. She was relatively satisfied with how much time she had and was about to make her merry way to her classroom when she heard it.

"I hope her teaching isn't as unsightly as that thing on h-"

Abagail made eye contact, cutting the man off mid-sentence. He was tall, much taller than her. Brown curls rested atop his head and if it weren't for the words that left his mouth, Abagail would've thought he was an average looking man who fit the role of teacher perfectly. She could tell he was fit underneath his button down and would've treated him amicably, as any college would.

She would've, she could've and she sure as hell should've. But she didn't. Instead, she bounded over to the man - _William Tanner, History Teacher_ \- and sent him a look she knew could send grown men running. She took a deep breath, attempting to control her temper as an all too familiar giggle broke through the anger that clouded her mind.

Abagail could see _her_ perched atop a locker, hand covering her mouth as she watched the older woman below her.

"Excuse me."

The words came out with an underlying venom, and she knew that the combination of her accent and the absolute anger on her face terrified the man. But she couldn't stop. Blood pounded in her ears and that incessant giggling continued to ring through her ears.

"I would hope and pray to whatever power exists"

Said "power" wheezed from where she sitting, bent over herself in her own amusement. What an _ass_.

"That you treat your students with even an iota of respect"

Another wheeze, this time accompanied with a shout of the words "Yes bitch! Tear him apart!".

"Because you obviously refuse to give that courtesy to your colleagues."

Then Abagail pushed herself up out of Aelia's grasp and covered her mouth, eyes wide. Apologies swarmed her lips as she explained, with a sort of kindness that had been completely absent from her before, that it was unacceptable for a teacher in particular to show that sort of disregard for others in a learning environment.

She rushed into her classroom proper, having wasted a good 15 minutes speaking to Mr. Tanner. She rubbed her eyes and dragged her hands towards the area around her mouth, groaning as she realized that all of the singular desks placed in neat little rows were made of plastic and metal. She breathed through her nose, and instead turned around, wrote on the board and waited patiently for her students to trickle in.

Abagail turned around to face her first period, and almost screamed when she saw them. Stefan Salvatore, an actual Ripper and one of Katherine's favorite playthings, sat in the first row, staring at her with knowing eyes.

 _Sweet mother of fuck he's creepy._

Beside him was a girl she could've sworn was Katherine, but from the wideness of her eyes and the innocent sadness on her face, she knew the girl had to be someone else.

It took her approximately thirty seconds to realize that she was the girl with the magic face. She looked out on her classroom and had to contain her second wave of shock. Although everyone in that room held the appearance of an adult actor hired to be on a television program, they looked so _young_. At that moment it hit her like a ton of bricks.

 _These are children_. And more importantly, that omnipresent, omnipotent little piece of shit expected her to let _actual children_ fend for themselves while she was meant to be preoccupied with getting clusterfucked (both literally and figuratively) by an army of Abercrombie and Finch models turned vampires.

She mentally took down another objective.

4) Protect the innocent teenagers from vampires, perhaps starting with the one sitting in her classroom

"Okay, first things first, who did the summer reading"

Two hands went up and Abagail couldn't help but chuckle.

"Well, everyone will be happy to know that, because I think Voltaire is a bit of a pompous arse, the summer reading will count as extra credit"

She cleared her throat and practically slid across the classroom floor, moving to collect the two completed essays before continuing.

"So, a little about myself. My name is Aelia Sorrio. Yes, I know, most people hear the accent and expect me to introduce myself as Mary Poppins."

Abagail rolled her eyes in good humor before continuing.

"Most people either call me Aelia or Ms. S, I'm fine with any variation of my name as long as it's not disrespectful."

She hummed, considering her next words.

"I'll be your English teacher for the rest of the year. And before you ask, you're more than welcome to poke fun at my accent. In fact, I think it's hilarious."

She moved to continue on with her lecture when she felt her body move on its own. Aelia reached for the marker that rested in front of the board and began writing down a number Abagail didn't recognize.

"And before I forget, my email, unfortunately, doesn't work, and I can't figure out how to log into the email the school provided me with at home. That being said, this is the number to my cell phone."

Aelia paused smiling, "And I just _happen_ to have acquired your numbers from the data the school has on you, so any sort of prank calls will be completely unacceptable."

Aelia knew that the last statement was a bluff, but couldn't help but smile at the disappointment written on some of their faces. Abagail once again pushed her way out of the fog that clouded her mind and instead moved to erase the number of the board. Only to find that she physically couldn't.

She rolled her eyes at the goddess's tactlessness before moving on to begin her first proper lecture of the school year.

The bell rang, and before Stefan could approach her two boys who sat in the back row of her classroom swarmed her desk. She was thankful for the quick save until she looked up and saw their eyes were glassed over just like the movers were the day before.

They told her about a bonfire party the next day, and how it was usually a back to school thing for students only, that she was young enough that she should go. Abagail sighed and was about to lecture them on professionalism and how "no teacher in their right mind would even consider the offer" until she found her lips unable to form the words.

The goddess forced her hand, and Aelia nodded with a smile and offered one of the boys a post-it note so that she would have the time and address of the party. One of the two scribbled it down quickly, and with that, the class was over.

It was the end of the day, and although Abagail ran into no more vampires, she was about ready to stake whoever thought it was a good idea to give teachers so much _work_. Especially fake teachers who have more important things to do with their time, like _avoid getting murdered by vampires._

She walked to her new home and picked up the newspaper left at her front door before walking inside. Her eyes widened as she read the headline, and proceeded to read about how a young couple was killed in an "animal attack". But the couple was already dead and gone, so she locked her door and sat down to grade summer reading assignments until it was time for her to go to sleep.

The next day experienced the same lack of fanfare that her night alone did and besides Stefan's creepy "romance novel" stare, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Okay, one thing was out of the ordinary. The two boys who invited her to the bonfire weren't in school.

And after a quick look at her roster, she found that there were no students missing from her class on neither the first nor second day of school. Which meant one of two things,

1) Neither of them existed in the first place or more unlikely

2) The same psychopath goddess that came after her kidnapped them and they were sent home after fulfilling their roles in the story

Abagail tried to resist Aelia's pull, but no matter how hard she pushed against her, Abagail somehow ended up in the middle of the town's prime source of general teenage debauchery. She worked hard at avoiding prying eyes as she worked her way through the crowd until she saw something from the corner of her eye.

One of her students, Victoria Donovan if she remembered correctly, escaped the grasp of a boy she didn't recognize before running off into the woods. Alone. In the middle of the night. When there were wild "animal" (read: vampire) attacks happening nearly every day.

Oh. _Hell_. No

Abagail had never moved so fast in her life, diving and weaving through the crowd until she was free to sprint through the wood after the teenager. She found her, pinned up against a tree by a man dressed in all black an-

" _You've got to be fucking kidding me."_

Her voice rang through the wood as she placed a hand on the tree next to her. She extended its branches to reach forward and practically yank the man off of the younger girl. Only to come face to face with another of Katherine's "lovers" - Katherine herself called them a number of things in her letters, but Abagail thought it would be more civil to refer to them as lovers in order to avoid getting murdered – Damon Salvatore.

" _Aelia"_

He looked at her with shocked blue eyes and pinned her down with a gaze that she could only describe as _tender._ Abagail internally cursed her bleeding heart and bit her lip, staring down at her blouse. This was a gamble if she'd ever seen one. But Victoria was a teenager and Abagail was a proper adult with a part to play and students to protect.

"If you promise to compel her to just forget about all of this, I'll let you go and we can talk."

Damon raised his eyebrows, challenging her instead.

"I always knew you were one to sing _Kumbaya_ , Honey, but this is a bit much"

"I could also rip out your heart and feed it to the squirrels, but I thought it was best to offer a peaceful alternate first,"

At this, Damon let out a groan that sounded too much like a petulant child to come out of a grown man, and practically whined "But I'm hungry, and she looks just good enough to eat"

Abagail stared at the teenager, still leaning against the tree Damon had pinned her to, and grit her teeth. Aelia lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes, before tilting her head. She moved her hair out of the way and left her neck perfectly exposed for him.

"Fine." The word came out clipped and she closed her eyes for second before tilting her head back up. The words hadn't left her mouth, and if it weren't for Aelia stopping her, she would've gladly used the tree to rip Damon in two.

"No more of this pseudo-pedophile shit, she hasn't even graduated high school yet. If you're really _that_ hungry then you can feed on me. Deal?"

Damon smiled, and although the letters had said he loved Aelia as much as he loved Katherine, the look in blue eyes made Abagail's stomach turn.

" _Deal."_

 _Shit, meet fan._


	4. A Bad Case of the Munchies

**A/N: Yeah, what's a weekly update? At this point, I'm just writing whenever I want to write. Chapters might get progressively longer as time goes on. Friendly reminder that this story isn't meant to be taken seriously. Also, episode 2 is coming next chapter because I have assignments to finish, so this chapter is just ~1000 word filler.**

Abagail could've given someone a list of reasons as to why she realized this whole "offer your own blood to save some random high school girl who, _technically wasn't even real"_ plan was an awful idea. Most people would chalk it up to the dangerous glint in the strange vampire's - _holy shit yep that's a vampire-_ eyes or perhaps their complaint would lie solely upon the fact that Victoria wasn't a very nice girl.

That, and that Victoria technically wasn't a real person, with real feelings.

There was even the fact that Abagail was getting involved, and sacrificing herself for some random teenager, for no real reason except for the fact that she _felt bad._

Unfortunately, none of that was what made Abagail realize how shit of an idea this all was.

Even as she watched Damon compel the girl's memories of what she had just witnessed. Primarily a vampire attacking her and her new English teacher fighting him off with a _fucking tree_.

No, what really made regret boil in Abagail's stomach was an overenthusiastic laugh that echoed above her as she stayed planted to the ground, neck exposed so that Damon could just bite her and Abagail could go drown her sorrows in copious amounts of liquor. On a Tuesday night. Joy.

Abagail trailed her eyes upwards and saw the goddess -who really needed a name by now- sitting atop a tree branch, bag of pre-popped popcorn in hand. Abagail focused back on Damon, attempting to –

 _"Yes, girl! Get! That! Dick!"_

Tune out the goddess. She was failing. Miserably.

As Abagail was focused on the goddess and her lewd shouts of "encouragement", Aelia took over.

Abagail felt the smoke that signaled Aelia's possession of her body, and instead of bowing down to this assigned persona she did something much better.

She shook her smoke infested limbs and, as Damon leaned in to enjoy his midnight snack, fought Aelia off. At this point, Damon had already sunk his teeth into her neck, and as he pulled away, making some sort of clever comment referring to some character's past she didn't know about, Abagail punched him. Right in his impossibly wide jaw.

Then Abagail ran, knowing that she had a snowflake's chance in hell to survive more than just a simple punch against a vampire. And, oh _shit_. Abagail punched a vampire. A real life, non-Twilight, bloodsucking _murderous vampire._ Abagail ran a little faster.

She didn't stop running, she didn't bother to look back. In fact, she didn't stop until she had pulled her car into a beat-up liquor store's parking lot to buy as much alcohol as she deemed necessary. If Abagail had bothered to stay behind and witness the aftermath of what she mentally dubbed the first match in _Vamp Brawl 2000_ she would've noticed that she'd gotten herself into a load of shit.

For one, she would have seen the pink color that glistened in Damon's eyes as the goddess strengthened the love spell she had put upon nearly every male member of her cast. She would have seen the goddess decide that, in order for her harem to be exactly as _heart throbbingly yandere_ as she had hoped, she would need to add a layer or two of obsession to her love spell. She would have seen a practical orgy of evidence to show that she was being stalked by a bunch of vampires who were in love with her. And most importantly, she would have seen the exact reason why she was able to disobey the goddess so easily. She would've seen the goddess, now missing two fingers, and have realized that she didn't shake off the magic of the goddess, _she devoured it._

In that moment alone, if she had just stuck around in what she considered to be a very dangerous situation, she would've realized very quickly, how she could leave this hellscape and get back to studying for class by Thursday.

But instead, she treated that situation like any level headed person who liked their heart to _stay_ beating would, and got the ever-loving fuck out of dodge. Fast. So while she packed a shopping basket full of hard liquor, and drove herself home, preparing to get absolutely shit faced, she also managed to ignore the key to escaping, and drove home, unintentionally allowing the goddess's plans to move forward. Whoops.

The next day, Abagail woke up with a hangover from hell to a knock on the door of her new home. She begrudgingly got out of bed, doing her best to will away the pain pulsing from both her head and her neck as she moved towards the door.

Only to be faced with what she could only imagine was the girl from Kiki's Delivery Service all grown up. Seriously. She stared down the short-haired witch, complete with tan messager bag and black cat, asking for Abagail's name and order. Abagail mumbled something about Aelia Sorrio and vervain, only to have a package filled with all sorts of varieties of the stuff pushed towards her by the cat. As she turned to pick up the bag, the witch winced and apologized about not getting to her order sooner.

Before Abagail was even fully awake, she was at the kitchen counter, having been sat down by the delivery witch who had yet to introduce herself. She received detailed directions on how to care for the plant, and the witch offered to brew some vervain tea up for her and get her cat to help her dig out some holes for the vervain outside.

Abagail took the tea gratefully and sipped it down before taking a handful of the vervain seeds and placing them on her window sill. Abagail enjoyed the shocked look on the witch's face as she forced the seeds to grow faster, watching as the plant crawled up and down the brick walls outside of her home.

The witch complimented her on her mastery of some spell Abagail had never heard of, gently reminded her to drink as much vervain as possible and left, cat in tow. Abagail, now armed with Vampire Kryptonite, knew that she was ready for whatever stalker came after her next. And with a cataclysmic event just waiting to happen, she was ready to go from riding along to happily grabbing the steering wheel and driving herself, and every vampire in Mystic Falls, into a ditch. A spiked ditch. Filled to the brim with vervain. On fire.


	5. Parent Teacher Conference

**A/N: Me? Updating a story? In this economy? Okay but seriously this semester has been kicking my ass left right and center. Is it my fault for taking 9 classes? Yeah, kind of. Anyways, here's the next chapter. Also, I'm eventually going to go through this story and fix all the typos I found reading through it. One day, definitely not today, but I'll do it.**

 **Also, friendly reminder for those of you that forgot, Aelia is just Abagail when she's under the control of the goddess.**

Abagail left her home after saying goodbye to the witch and sending the woman off with a portion of the breakfast she made in an empty container of margarine before packing up her Vervain tea into a thermos and making her way to the school. It was only halfway through her walk that Abagail realized two vital things.

1\. She was going to have to deal with a class of 30 some teenagers hungover off her ass and

2\. She didn't even consider hiding the vampire hickey that sat on her neck like some sort of flag to the class that their teacher, to put it as any teenager would, "got some".

When she arrived in her classroom, she _almost_ silently thanked that pint-sized asshole for what she found in the bottom drawer of her teacher's desk. Enough movies based on different subjects concerning literature and teaching the English language to kill a man.

Hallelujah! Praise the teenage goddess/fanfic writer for this beautiful bounty.

Abagail was quick to cut the lights in her classroom, before popping the movie into her laptop and connecting it to the projector. It wasn't the type of smartboard you would see in classrooms in her time but it was exponentially better than being forced to roll a television out of a dusty storage closet in some sort of hidden corner of the school.

Abagail took a swig from her Vervain filled thermos and kicked her feet up upon her desk as the class walked in. "Okay kiddos," her voice echoed out through the room, it rang loud and clear over the chatter of her students walking into her classroom.

"I'll be honest with you, with the events of last night I doubt anyone wants to do work today" Abagail winced at the volume of the class's cheers and blew air out through her teeth before continuing

"So, we're going to sit down, and _very quietly"_ there was a laugh from somewhere in the back row "watch a film"

They did exactly that, and for the odd hour Abagail had with them, they sat in silence and watched a movie. Abagail could spot out the lights of flip phones and iPhone 3Gs texting friends, but she didn't really care. She was watching a movie with a group of teenagers and a vampire, all of whom technically shouldn't even exist. What did she care how they spent their time?

But of course, because, Abagail resolved, she just couldn't have nice things in this goddess driven hellhole, Aelia pushed her way to the front of her consciousness. And, Aelia _what a piece of shit_ turned on the light right as the bell rang.

Abagail didn't realize what happened until she heard a variety of wolf whistles, cheers in celebration, and _was someone clapping. Really?_ She took the comments of her class in stride and was quick to empty out the room of any teenagers. Then she heard a lock click, and within seconds she was pinned up against a wall, face to face with one Stefan Salvatore.

She cursed under her breath and reached for her thermos as Stefan held her head into place, forcing her to meet his eyes.

" _Who did this?"_

He grabbed her by the chin and tilted her head so he could more clearly see her neck and Abagail, took that as an opportunity to grab her thermos and splash whatever was left in it onto Stefan.

Abagail heard a hissing sound, and Stefan pulled away, looking at her as if he was a kicked puppy and not a 100-some-year-old vampire who just pinned his teacher to a wall in a fit of jealousy. Aelia sucked in a deep breath, and Abagail pushed her down into her subconscious before giving a half-assed apology, muttering something about how although she acted rashly he should still not go around pinning people to walls and compelling them.

Abagail could see Stefan's chest rise and fall as he took an unnecessary breath, more so to calm himself rather than for any means of living and rested the bridge of his nose between two of his fingers.

"Look, you know I'm just worried about you Aelia, you shouldn't let people manipulate you like Da-"

Aelia cut him off, an icy look on her face, "I know you're concerned," her voice was clipped, and Abagail sat within the fog Aelia created in her head, attempting to move through the haze "But, I'm not naïve like the high school girls you've taken to chasing after Stefan".

Abagail straightened her posture and moved towards the door to her classroom "Besides, you should be more," she opened the door, a shit eating grin on her face "optimistic Stefan, if your report was so bad it got an F, I'll just take it out of the grade book, it was extra credit anyway."

Abagail waved Stefan out of the classroom, and invited her next period in, turning the lights back off as they entered.

The last bell of the day woke Aelia up, she lifted herself out of her desk chair. She collected her things and remembered that she needed to go to Mr. Tanner for some field trip forms. Something to do with the football team, Aelia couldn't quite remember the contents of the memo he sent. Abagail sat behind the curtain of smoke covering her eyes, pushing her way forward as Aelia continued to walk in the direction of Mr. Tanner's room.

"It's the third day of school and he's skipped six of his classes."

A woman's voice responded to Tanner claim, and although Aelia was a few steps away from the door, she could hear their conversation

"Mr. Tanner, are you aware that Jeremy and Elena's parents died?"

Abagail pushed herself forward through the smoke right after Aelia knocked on the classroom door.

Mr. Tanner waved her into the room and looked at the woman, Elena's guardian if Abagail had to guess, before raising a finger to her and speaking.

"If you'll give me a minute, come in Ms. Sorrio"

Abagail walked into the otherwise empty classroom, "Sorry to interrupt." She bowed her head slightly as Tanner spoke once again, this time with an air of what Abagail could only recognize as superiority.

"Ms. Sorrio, before you pick up the field trip forms for the football team, can I ask you two little favors?"

Abagail was suspicious, but at this point, she was willing to entertain the whims of Captain Douchebag so long as it ensured she could stay as far away as possible from anything supernatural going on in Mystic Falls. "The floor is yours, Mr. Tanner"

"Well, there's a student in one of your classes, the sophomore English class if I'm correct, Jeremy Gilbert. Have you seen him at all in your class?"

Abagail's eyebrows furrowed, and she tried to remember what had happened in her other classes that day, but Aelia spoke before Abagail could even consider all the facts "He was in on the first day, but that's the only time I've seen him."

Abagail winced at the concern that clouded the woman's face, but she didn't know what else to say. She wasn't a teacher, or a therapist, or the immortal being of intense power she was supposed to be. She was a university student, so she shook her head and, in an attempt to defuse the situation, spoke again.

"And the other favor?"

Abagail was already moving to take a stack of field trip forms from the top of Tanner's desk. She peeled off the sticky note labeled "Sorrio" and took her stack, wincing at the utter ridiculousness of her new surname.

"I heard you talking to Mr. Salvatore in the hallway earlier today. Since I assume you're going to head over anyways to talk to his guardian, can you drop off the form I put on top of the stack you have? It's just a parent-teacher conference request form, nothing too complicated."

Abagail sucked in a breath and was about to tell Tanner that he could kindly sod off when Aelia spoke instead.

"Sure, it's not a problem. The Salvatore Boarding House, right?"

"That's the one."

Abagail said her goodbyes and left the room, stack of papers in hand. She dropped the field trip forms off in her classroom before leaving the school building and starting her walk of doom to the Salvatore Boarding House.

Abagail arrived, form in hand, right as one Elena Gilbert bust out through the front door, a troubled look on her face. Elena stopped in front of Abagail and plastered a too fake smile on her face.

"Hey, Ms. Sorrio, what're you doing here?"

"Dropping off a form for Mr. Tanner." Abagail smiled at the younger girl and casually tapped her forehead with the rolled-up form she held "Don't tell him I said this, but the Salvatore's make him a bit insecure, so he wanted me to drop this off instead."

Elena snorted out half a laugh and smiled, "Have a good one Ms. Sorrio"

Abagail mocked saluted and turned on the balls of her feet to face Elena's retreating form "You too kiddo!"

Abagail steeled her nerves and knocked twice on the door to the Salvatore house before swinging it open, only to be faced with what she assumed to be two vampires attempting to out-peacock each other. Spoiler alert: they weren't exactly successful.

"Isn't that why you play your little game of high-school hu-"

" ** _HELLO VAMPIRES!_** "

Abagail walked into their conversation with a sort of reckless abandon only she could possess. Okay, not really. But the Salvatore house had wooden floors and furniture, and Abagail figured that if she was going to be forced to play a part in this teen drama, she at least wanted to make sure she was annoying enough to lose a vampire stalker or two along the way.

From the incessant giggling that echoed through her head, Abagail quickly realized her optimism was futile.

"Ah, Aelia."

Damon greeted her with what could only be determined as a "sultry" smirk over his shoulder, "What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"Well" She unrolled the form and skimmed over its contents "It seems Stefan is just so good at playing human high schooler that he landed himself a parent-teacher conference"

Damon raised his eyebrows and shot Stefan a taunting look.

"With you, I hope?"

"Try with one Mr. Tanner, if Stefan misbehaved in my class well…"

"I _can_ always make it up to you Aelia,"

Stefan cut in, his eyes shimmering with the same pink smoke that clouded Damon's the night before. Abagail shook her head and was quick to hand Damon the form she had been given by Mr. Tanner, before realizing very quickly that meant that Tanner was probably going to be Damon's afternoon snack.

"Please, don't eat him"

With that, Abagail turned to leave, only to be caught on the shoulder by Damon.

"If you want, you can come to the square tonight with me and look at the comet passing through."

He turned her around to face him

"And then afterward we can _get together"_ He grasped her chin between two fingers and bent down toward her face, smirking at how Stefan was sitting in the parlor with a dissatisfied look on his face "For old time's sake rig-"

Abagail lifted the floor beneath them to come up and build a quasi-wall for her protection.

"The only thing I'm doing tonight is sleeping. Alone. In my bed. Just me and sheets lined with enough Vervain that either of you would spontaneously combust should you so much and _try_ to come into my bed, understood?"

She lowered the warped wood in-between herself and Damon. Aelia pushed through the back of her eyelids and Abagail just took a deep breath and bit her tongue.

 _Ow, my hand!_

Abagail's eyebrows furrowed a bit, but she smiled at the pain of the goddess and nodded her head to Damon.

"Have a good day Mr. Salvatore"

Abagail went home, and made a mental note that more investigation was necessary to survive the supernatural circus on wheels.

She shrugged to herself and continued walking, kicking away some rock in her path. She breathed in deep through her nose.

 _At least this can't get any worse._


End file.
